u'v got mail Jim...

"Shelley and Jim have been dating very seriously for about six months. From the beginning of the relationship, Jim has known that Shelley has kept a private diary that he has never shown anyone. At first, he wasn’t too interested in this activity, but as they have drawn closer, he has become intrigued by her personal writings. Yet he never asks if she would share her prose with him, she responds that she needs secret place to work out her thoughts and emotions. In conversation, she never holds back from him, freely self-disclosing about herself and their relationship, but the diary remains all her own, and Jim is perplexed, even disturbed by this. The more interest he shows in her private writings, the more adamant about her privacy she becomes. What should they do?"


This letter is for Jim. i don't know how to send it to him, i just hope he could read this post of mine.

Dear Jim,

Hi!

maybe you're a little curious why i wrote you this letter. I am just concerned with your situation. (actually,the amin reason is that, this is my assignment..lol!=)

there are no better ways to explain what Shelley is going through right now than telling you about the RELATIONAL DIALECTIC OF EXPRESSION/PRIVACY.

it doesn't mean that if Shelley wouldn't let you read her diary, she doesn't trust you anymore. According to the relational dialectic of expression/privacy,there are really contradicting tensions within individuals. This is the desire to be open and expressive, and the need to be closed and private. she feels the struggle between self-disclosing and keeping personal information.

to tell you honestly, i am experiencing the same thing with a friend. there are times that i want to talk about my feelings, my fears, problems, likes, dislikes and so on. that is so my friend would understand me. yet there are things that must remain to be completely private. they are parts of my self that should be preserved and not shared to anyone.

you could not blame shelley. all of us could feel the same way. you should understand her in the first place.

if you would mind, please read my older posts about it. they would be of great help.

do not ever think that i just go with the side of Shelley because we are both girls.
please deal with my simple advice smartly.

until here. God bless you!

p.s.

I am conducting a research about developing personal relationships through the dialectic of expression/privacy. could you be one of my respondents? thanks in advance.

truly yours,


jessa



"I enjoyed seeing my old high school friends over the winter break, but my parents really got on my nerves. They nagged me to come in early in the evenings, and they saw to it that sleeping-in was impossible. I had to eat on their schedule. My mother’s having a real problem letting go of mothering me — she still treats me like I’m ten. When I protest she says, “You have to understand that you’ll always be my precious little child.” For some reason, that bothers me, and I stomp around and say something like “I’m an adult, so treat me like one!” or “As my mother, you ought to understand that I need my autonomy!” Then she gets huffy and claims that my manner and tone of voice are unpleasant. Or she’ll say, “I don’t like your body language.” I wish she’d focus on what I’m saying instead of getting off on tangents. One time she said to me, “You just hurt my feelings,” but I hadn’t even said anything! My father’s obsessed with my smoking. He claims that the secondhand smoke bothers him, but it really bothers me that he never complains when his buddies smoke in his presence. He’s also been riding me because I changed my major from premed to communication. He says, “I wish you’d go back to being premed-not for me, but for your own future.”

From my first day at home, I tried to be assertive about my needs and values and have done my best not to back down, but they just don’t seem to appreciate my efforts to be my own person. There’s not much giving in around the house. I wish they would let go. And my little sister is acting strange. My parents claim that she was an angel all fall, but when I arrived home I quickly saw that this couldn’t have been the case. The whole time I was there, she was getting into trouble right and left, continually requiring my parents to drop whatever they were doing — especially when it was something with me — to deal with her crises. Just when Dad and I were about to leave to attend a concert I’d been looking forward to for days, she announces that she thinks she’s pregnant. Of course that brings down the house, and the concert is forgotten. And of course she isn’t pregnant.

Later, when I called her on it, she told me that I was the one who was out of line. She complains about my yelling, and the way I talk to her. Can you believe that? I told her, “You ought to take my advice because I’m older than you!” She shoots back, “You ought to leave me alone because you don’t really live here anymore!”

Honestly, I love my family, but they’re nuts, and they drive me crazy. I’m sure glad to be back at school.

Now if I could just get my roommate to listen to reason…"



Dear whoever you are,

greetings!

you also drive me crazy. i think you are the who's going nuts.

haha!!!

just kidding.

by the way, i am jessa. maybe you are thinking that i have no right to mind your own business. oh well, i really do not have it (but i have to have!haha!it is my assignment!)

i just want to ask you this question, do you know the Watzlawick's Interactional View?

that would really help you develop your relationship with your family.
i will tell you a little about it. if you just know the levels of meaning, you would know the difference between the content meaning or the obvious meaning, which is the content of what is said, and the relationship meaning which carries information about your relationship with your family.

you would also understand your mother and father saying all those things to you. they are your parents and nothing in the world could change that. they are still superior and they have the power to say what you must do. yet at some point, they may be wrong, but that doesn't mean you'd lose your respect to them.

have a talk with your family. say what you feel about the things that are going on. try to explain in the most subtle way your side, the one that you think is right.
listen to them also. they have so many things to tell you.

you should be happy, you are with your parents, your family. think of all the sons and daughters that are not with their parents. think of me!!!(emo!haha!)
the time when you will have your own family, you would understand fully what's the real score between you and your family.

until here. God bless you and your family!

truly yours,


Jessa